she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
