so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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