my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
