I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
