I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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