I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
