Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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