mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
