Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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