So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
