So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
