Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
