My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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