Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
