Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
