The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
