So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
