Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
