I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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