Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
