Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
