And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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