I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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