there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
