I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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