I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
he just fucked me for my cheese..
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
