I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
