Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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