Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
