how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
