the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
