I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
