I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
