If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
