Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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