I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
