She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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