So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
