In America we eat man semen.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
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