Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
