I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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