Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
