i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
