my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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