And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
