I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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