its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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