She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
