How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
