you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
