My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
